Why my girlfriend quit going to the gym with me.
About a month ago I was getting ready to go to the gym and I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join. We had been in a pretty good gym groove at that point, so it was almost a reflex to ask her to come with me. This time, when I asked, instead of her usual response, I got a “No”. I wrote it off as a fluke, got my workout in and carried on. A couple days later, same request, and I got the same response. “No I don’t really want to go today.” Now I was paying closer attention. “Ok no problem,” I replied, “You can catch the next one.”
The following week I asked again. This time it wasn’t just a “no”, it was, “I don’t think I want to go to the gym with you anymore.” I was a little surprised but I tried not to let my irritation show. Was it my personal training sessions she didn’t like? Or maybe she didn’t like some of the weird glances from guys at the gym, or maybe it was because I made her do farmer walks up and down the aisles at Planet Fitness.
The more I thought about it, the more I tried to see things from her perspective. I had reminded her about the importance of resistance training and cardiovascular capacity. I tried to explain to her the importance of maintaining foot speed as we age, but none of these things seemed to connect with her.
Then last week she had a meet-up with some of her friends at a local pilates studio for a night out. Before she even left the studio, she texted me telling me how much she liked pilates and how she wants to continue going to classes. I texted back, “Cool, thats awesome. Glad you enjoyed it.” I really meant what I said, because even though I know very little about pilates, I do know that it involves resistance training, mobility, and core strength, which are 3 important aspects of fitness. The more I thought about my girlfriend and the things that she really enjoys doing, the more I came to realize that this type of exercise modality was more aligned with her goals and personality. Then it clicked.
This wasn’t about training volume or methodologies. It wasn’t about the weirdos at the gym, and it probably wasn’t even about the fact that I made her do farmer walks. This was about her being with her tribe. This was about socializing and being around her people, just as much as it was about getting stronger and moving better. This was a chance for her to connect with her friends, share her struggles & successes from the week, and be a part of a group of women striving to be more healthy.
That is what an IRL (in real life) personal health journey often looks like. It’s not always glamorous or what you see on social media. Sometimes it means saying no. It might even mean telling your personal trainer boyfriend that you don’t want to train with him anymore and that you’re going to do Pilates or Barre classes instead. It might mean that you walk instead of run, in order to focus on consistency over intensity. Or it could even mean that you tell your Jiu Jitsu instructor you can only train once or twice a week over the recommended 3 times weekly because you are focussing on other priorities for a few months.
Health, Nutrition, & Fitness doesn’t look the same for me as it does for you, and usually it doesn’t look the same for men as it does for women. Women want their story to be heard and men want to be the Hero of the story. Heroes don’t impose their will on other people. They empower them to take control of their own lives and decisions. Im grateful for this lesson learned and I hope it helps someone else.
Scott Soldan
EatWater
Fitness & Nutrition